I gave birth and became a mother. There’s really nothing that prepares you for this change, a complete shift, a transformation. I’m a different person, but I am also still me. The shift into motherhood is hard. It feels out of control and desperate at times. It feels overwhelming and hopeless at times. Like you can no longer see through the smoke at times. Like the room is filling up at times. Like an alarm is sounding throughout your body but no one else can hear it at times. I am an artist and a mother, now an artist mother. What I experienced last year has since been explained to me as acute postpartum depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

This watercolor series reflects this very fragile time in my life, a time of tremendous change, a time of searching, and a time of finding little parts of myself again.

I remember walking through the twilight, baby strapped in on my chest, walking and walking to help the baby sleep. Familiar places in our Philadelphia neighborhood, but seems different, like remembering a dream or searching for something on the horizon only to have it vanish when you arrive.

During this time, I was “practicing” being away from my baby by heading to the studio. It took practice but I eventually found solace in the familiar; painting as a way to soothe the anxiety.